Andrew Lloyd Webber: Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh/Il Muto

RAOUL
Gentlemen, if you would care to take your seats? I shall
be sitting in Box Five.
ANDRE
Do you really think that's wise, monsieur?
RAOUL
My dear Andre, there would appear to be no seats
available, other than Box Five . . .
(The front cloth rises to reveal an 18th Century salon, a
canopied bed centre-stage. The COUNTESS is played by
CARLOTTA. SERAFIMO, the page boy, is disguised as
her maid and is played by CHRISTINE. At this point they
are hidden behind the drapes of the bed, which are drawn.
In the room are TWO EPICENE MEN: one a
HAIRDRESSER and one a JEWELLER. The
JEWELLER is attended by MEG. There is also an OLDER
WOMAN, the COUNTESS' confidante. All a part from
MEG are gossiping with relish aboutt he COUNTESS'
current liaison with SERAFIMO)
CONFIDANTE
They say that this youth
has set my Lady's
heart aflame!
1ST FOP
His Lordship sure
would die of shock!
2ND FOP
His Lordship is
a laughing-stock!
CONFIDANTE
Should he suspect her
God protect her!
ALL THREE
Shame! Shame! Shame!
This faithless lady's
bound for Hades!
Shame! Shame! Shame!
(The canopy drapes part and we see the COUNTESS
kissing SERAFlMO passionately. As the recitative
begins, the lights and music dim on stage, and our
attention turns to the MANAGERS in their box)
IN THE BOX
ANDRE
Nothing like the old operas!
FIRMIN
Or the old scenery . . .
ANDRE
The old singers . . .
FIRMIN
The old audience . . .
ANDRE
And every seat sold!
FIRMIN
Hardly a disaster beyond all imagination!
(They chuckle and nod to RAOUL in the opposite box.
He acknowledges them)
ON STAGE
COUNTESS
Serafimo - your disguise is perfect.
(A knock at the door)
Who can this be?
DON ATTILIO
Gentle wife, admit your loving
husband.
ATTENTION BACK ON STAGE
(The COUNTESS admits DON ATTILIO. He is an old fool)
DON ATTILIO
My love - I am called to England on affairs of State, and
must leave you with your new maid. (Aside) Though I'd
happily take
the maid with me.
COUNTESS (aside)
The old fool's leaving!
DON ATTILIO (aside)
I suspect my young bride is untrue to me. I shall not
leave, but shall hide over there to observe her!
DON ATTILIO (to COUNTESS)
Addio!
COUNTESS
Addio!
BOTH (to each other)
Addio!
(He goes, pretending to leave, then hides and
watches the action)
COUNTESS (CARLOTTA)
Serafimo - away with this pretence!
(She rips off SERAFIMO'S skirt to reveal his manly
breeches)
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my
husband's absence!
Poor fool, he makes me laugh!
Haha,
Haha! etc.
Time I tried to get a better better half !
COUNTESS AND CHORUS
Poor fool, he doesn't know!
Hoho,
Hoho! etc.
If he knew the truth, he'd never, ever go!
(Suddenly from nowhere, we hear the voice of the
PHANTOM)
PHANTOM'S VOICE
Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty?
MEG (terrified)
He's here: the Phantom of the Opera . . .
(General reaction of bewilderment.
CHRISTINE looks fearfully about her)
CHRISTINE
It's him . . . I know it . . . it's him . . .
CARLOTTA (Finding a scapegoat in CHRISTINE,
hisses at her)
Your part is silent, little toad!
(But the PHANTOM has heard her)
PHANTOM'S VOICE
A toad, madame? Perhaps it is you
who are the toad . . .
(Again general unease. CARLOTTA and the
CONDUCTOR confer and pick up from the opening of the
scene)
CARLOTTA (As the COUNTESS)
Serafimo, away with this pretence!
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my croak!
(Instead of singing she emits a great croak like a toad. A
stunned silence. CARLOTTA is as amazed as anyone but
regains herself and continues. More perturbing,
however, is a new sound: the PHANTOM is laughing -
quietly at first, then more and more hysterically)
CARLOTTA (as the COUNTESS)
Poor fool, he makes me laugh -
Hahahahaha!
Croak, croak, croak,
croak, croak, croak, etc.
(As before. The PHANTOM'S laughter rises. The
croaking continues as the chandelier's lights blink on
and off. The PHANTOM'S laughter, by this time
overpowering, now crescendos into a great cry):
PHANTOM'S VOICE
Behold! She is singing to bring down the
chandelier!
(CARLOTTA looks tearfully up at the MANAGERS ' box
and shakes her head)
CARLOTTA
Non posso piu . . .
I cannot . . . I cannot go on . . .
PIANGI (rushing on)
Cara, cara . . . I'm here . . .
is all right . . . Come . . . I'm here . . .
(ANDRE and FIRMIN hurry out of the box onto the
stage. PIANGI ushers the now sobbing CARLOTTA
offstage, while the MANAGERS tackle the audience)
FIRMIN
Ladies and gentlemen, the performance will
continue in ten minutes' time . . .
(He addresses Box Five, keeping one eye on the
chandelier as it returns to normal)
. . . when the role of the Countess will be sung by Miss
Christine Daae.
ANDRE (improvising)
In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be
giving you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's opera.
(to the CONDUCTOR)
Maestro - the ballet - now!
(The MANAGERS leave, the stage is cleared and music
starts again. The BALLET GlRLS enter as a sylvan glade
flies in. They begin the Dance of the Country Nymphs.
Upstage, behind the drop, a series of threatening
shadows of the PHANTOM. MEG is aware of them and
dances out of step. When this culminates in one
gigantic, oppressive, bat-like shadow, the garotted body
of JOSEPH BUQUET falls onto the stage, causing the
sylvan glade to fly out. Pandemonium.)
CHRISTINE (calling for help)
Raoul! Raoul!
(RAOUL runs on stage and embraces her)
RAOUL (to CHRISTINE, leading her away)
Christine, come with me . . .
CHRISTINE
No. . . to the roof. We'll be safe there.
(CHRISTINE and RAOUL hurry off)
FIRMIN (Attempting to placate the audience as STAGE-
HANDS and POLICEMEN crowd onto the stage)
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats. Do
not panic. It was an accident . . . simply an accident .