Ben Folds: Uncle Walter

Come on!
your Uncle Walter's going on and on
about everything he's seen and done
the voice of 50 years experience
he's drunk watching the television
ya know, he's been around the world
last night he flew to Baghdad
in his magical armchair
with cigarettes and a six pack,
yeah
we just got back
the spit's flying everywhere

hey, hey, hey, hey!
(your Uncle Walter's going on and on)
oh, you're back so late
(where did you go that you were gone so long?)
and how could you leave me here so long
with Uncle Walter?
yeah...

your Uncle Walter saw who fired the shots
he drove his chair in the cavalcade
he's flown from South Africa
to countries where
they beat themselves on the backs with chains
there was a fleet of battleships
and one reclining chair, headed
north on the Arabian sea
now he's back to tell us what
he and his oldest boy Blair
they're getting rich with their mail order scheme

oh, oh!
(your Uncle Walter's going on and on)
we're so glad you're home
(where did you go that you were gone so long?)
how could you leave me here so long
with Uncle Walter?

your Uncle Walter told me everything he'd do
if he was President
and oh what a perfect world
this world would be
if he was President now
but he's not!

and he sees the children smoking pot
he knows that in a moment
they'll be shooting up heroin
teardrops in his armchair
a 50 minute lecture
tobacco juice rolling down his chin

hey, hey, hey, hey!
(your Uncle Walter's going on and on)
you're back so late
(where did you go that you were gone so long?)
how could you leave me here so long
with Uncle Walter?

come on!