Bob Rivers: Buttcracker Suite

''Thong March''

Thong!
What a delightful gift idea
Thong!
Magical shorts that disappear
Buy your loved one this Nol
The kind of gift he can't resell
Because it kind of smells
If someone else has tried it on

Thong!
You could be dancing cheek to cheek
Thong!
Wiggle the string: play hide and seek
Buy your workmate or your boss
The proctologic dental floss
That really works a hair across
His astronomic bum
Thong!


''Dance of the Plumber Fairy''

See the repair man go
Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink
Working on the sink
(Bending way down low)
See the big tool belt go
Slippy-slip, slippy-slip, slippy-slip
Sliding down his hip
(Say it isn't so)
See the rear cleavage go
Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo
Cheekies sneaking through

(See ya at so n so)
See the plumber
(Doesn't even show)
What a bummer
(Got a dial tone)
Called a number
(On the telephone)
Hire someone else


''Wedgie Dance''

(Lunge!)
Spin around and stretch and lunge
And (leap!)
Do a kick and shake your buns
And fix those wedgies everyone
(Let's go!)

(Twirl!)
Double dip and somersault
Then (split!)
Shuffle back and twist and fall
And fix those wedgies
Fix those wedgies
Let's go people
Fix those wedgies

Cracks are flyin'
Just keep pryin'
And pull
(Pull apart!)
And pull
(Pull apart!)
And pull
(Pull apart those leotards!)


''Waltz of the Buttcrackers''

Please just say no to crack
When you spot butt crack, attack
You can see a trucker change a tire
Or a cable worker fix a wire
Let him know his bottom line is looking out
Somehow you don't admire it

So, everybody, please just say no to crack
Give all those crack backs a sack
If you see a plumber show a breach
Or a tubby hubby on a beach
Sneak right up behind his back and strike a match and drop the burning sulfur right between his cheeks

Because as sure as tax and death surround us
Cracks are all around us
Slacks fall to the ground as
Miles and miles of smiles going up and down

Everybody
(Don't) Be a bum
(Show) You're a crumb
(Crack) Get a grip
Fix your drawers
(Take) Every thong
(Them) Right along
(Back) Take em back
To the stores

Show some class and hide that massive astronomic butt crack

(Don't) Gimme no flak
(Show) Cover the crack
(Butt) Gimme the thong
(Crack) Hurry along

Buttcrackers just aren't sweet