Denis Leary: F**k The Pope

We're making the key decision now for our kids. It's religion decision time, you know, and I'm not bringing em up Catholic, I've made that decision, cause I was raised Catholic and NO WAY! Eh-eh. Nope. You know what, I can't bring my kids up in a church whose authority system is entirely based on the size of fucking hats, okay? That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, cardinals have those little red beanies, the pope has a collection of big hats... God must have a HUGE fucking sombrero up in heaven, huh? "Look at me, I'm God! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be?" "I don't know, lead singer of Los Lobos? I don't know! You tell me!"

They just change their rules too much in the Catholic church for me. Remember the Latin mass, they changed that? They just change the rules for no reason, like God just called up on the hotline. Remember Saint Christopher? They kicked him out, he's not a saint anymore, you know that? Yeah, Saint Christopher, the patron saint of travel. When we were growing up, your parents would have that Saint Christopher figurine magnetic thing that was on the dashboard when you were driving around. Now he's gone, they kicked him out. "Fuck ya! Fuck Saint Christopher, you're out!" Why? I wanna know! What did he do? Did he smoke crack in the rectory, what? Was he giving people bad directions or something? "Honey, take a left." "Make a right!" "Fuck you! Hey, wait a minute man, we're in Rochester!?"

Discourse, our good friend the virgin mother. She's always pictured like that, you know? In the statue or the painting, she's like... She's goin', "What the fuck?! Hey man, what the fuck?!" The thing I like about her is she's supposedly always appearing to groups of Mexican people and Irish people and Italian people. That happens every year, doesn't it? Remember last year it was the Mexicans down in Texas who saw her appear on the back of a highway sign? There were like a million Mexicans on CNN crying goin' "Ouhh, wouhh, wouhh." There was some Italian guy, he baked a blueberry muffin, he goes, "Oh look, I can see the face in the muffin!" No you can't! You fucking moron! It's a muffin, asshole! Believe me, she's got a big enough budget. If she wanted to show up, she wouldn't be in a fucking blueberry muffin. She'd show up in "Air Force One" right after opening weekend right after Harrison Ford's big close-up. She'd just pop up on the screen and say, "Hey! Stop puttin' shit in the coffee!"

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(tape rewinding)

Drugs... (rewind) ...drugs...

"I don't know what my problem is."

(rewinding) ...with a fucking aluminum fucking baseball... (rewinding)

"Now who you callin' monkey, man?"

"Come up with a cure for cancer."

"Ha-ha-ha-ha..."

"Penis."

(tape rewinding)

"Drugs don't work."

(tape rewinding)

Insane Cowboy (in Africa)
Fuck-o Cowboy--

(tape rewinding)

"Antipapism? That's it! Antipapism. Antipapism."

"So, we lock 'n load."