Denis Leary: Fat F**ks

Been to Vegas lately, any of you? Cause I was there for a couple of weeks, when we were on tour. Yeah, okay. You know what I noticed in Vegas? I noticed this one little thing: we have some fat fucking people in this country. It is out of control! Have you seen them sitting at the slot machines? They're so fat the stool's all the way up their ass, and they just sit there and have food delivered, and they eat and play the slots. "AHHMUMFMUMF, CLANG!, AHHMUMMFFMUMMFF, CLANG! I need money, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG." They fart, the stool flies across the room. These people make Elvis look anorexic, you know what I'm talking about? Stop eating! I am fed up with the little denial phrases they have, too. "I'm not fat, I'm husky." Yeah. "I'm portly." Ya ya ya ya. "I'm stout." Oh, ok ok ok. "I'm big-boned." You're big-assed! Dinosaurs are big-boned! Put the fork down. We gotta do something, because we all have fat people in our families. You know what, if we don't stop 'em soon, they're just gonna start blowin' up, I swear to God. We're gonna have a country full of sumo wrestlers either way.

And they keep finding more denial stuff. There's a doctor now, I'd like to see what size he is, a doctor in L.A. came up with a theory that being fat is actually a virus. Ah, I guess I'm the asshole here, right? Cause every other virus we know about is a flesh-eating virus: the common cold, AIDS, cancer. But he's the found the one that makes ya bigger. Okay, yep yep yep yep yep. That's all the fat person in each family needs. Now we're at Thanksgiving with the fat person going, "Well I'm not actually overeating. AHHMUMFMUMF, I'm trying to keep the virus at bay, AHHMUMFMUMF." Look, I'm trying to help here, okay? You have a choice: it's either me, or Richard Simmons coming over to your house, okay? He's gonna cry and shave his legs, I think you want me, I really do. I think I'm the better choice. And there are definitely signs, folks, that you should stop eating. Let's make that very clear.

Remember the 7,000 pound guy on Long Island a couple years ago, had chest pains, and they had to cut a wall out of the house to get him to the house to get him to the hospital. Folks, that's the first sign. When you're calling the construction crew before you call the hospital, STOP FUCKING EATING! "Look, I'm having chest pains. Knock this wall down here. Yeah, get a crane and a dumpster to take me to the hospital. And then, uh, call ahead to the hospital, get some walls taken out over there, and get me a dozen donuts, cause this fucking virus is killing me, it really is."

See, I could never be a fat guy. I'll tell you why. One simple reason: the first day I wake up and can't see my dick, I STOP EATING! OK? "Honey, I can't see my dick. Give the dog some of the food, cause I'm going to Ethiopia. I CAN'T SEE IT! Can you see it? I can't feel it!" Freak. I have to see my dick first thing in the morning. That's the kind of relationship we have. Wake up, first thing, "Hey, how ya doing!" "Good, how ya doing?" "Terrific, you wanna jerk off now?" "Ya, why not!" Oh yeah, jerkin' off is like an aerobic thing for me now. I'm forty, now I do it every day. I do it eeevery day. I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV. Oh yeah. People wonder why "Caroline in the City" is getting such big ratings. I'll tell you why! I know why!

I love my dick. My dick loves me. I love my balls too, it's kind of a love triangle thing we have going on. I love my dick more than my balls, but don't tell my balls that because that would bum my balls out. Wait, let President Leary clarify that last statement: I love my dick, but I'm no John Wayne Bobbitt, you know what I mean? Like, if my wife cuts my dick off, I'm not telling anybody. Nobody's finding out! I don't care if the cops show up at my house, with the dick, "Nope, no, not mine. No, I never had a dick. I'm a eunuch, that's right. 'No Dick Leary,' that's my nickname. I'm actually saving up to buy a vagina, that's what I'm doing right now. But thanks for dropping by, fellas. CLANG!"

I also wanna make an announcment, that I am pro-tit all the way. President Leary is pro-tit all the way. I love tits. I would like to be the mayor of Tit Town if I could. I'd like to drive a big truck full of tits down the Tit Turnpike right through the middle of Tit Town. I'd like to have my own talk show about tits, "Tit Talk". That's how passionate I am about the tits, I love 'em all. I actually love the small tits better than the big tits because the big tits get all the attention. The peach and plum little hand-shaped tits, they're great. I love to look at 'em. "How ya doin!" talk to 'em, "What's goin' on? Look at me! I've got my face next to a tit!" Men are mollified by tits. We don't know why, we just are. We don't have to see naked tits to get mollified, we just freeze up even at the sight of cleavage. Waitress leans over the table the wrong way... That's how we can end war. Get the Good Year blimp, paint it up like a tit, put a nipple on it. Fly it over the Middle East during a confrontation, "Look at the tit! Look at the tiiiiit! The tiiiiiiit! The tiiiiiiit!"

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(backwards gibberish)

"What are you doing, man?"