Bif Naked: Alcohol Is The Root

I know this is gonna sound...kinda bad, but I really have to say, and this is kinda what I believe, alcohol is the root of all evil. Don't worry, it's just my opinion. Don't get so...defensive. Don't look so..pissed off. I'm not talking about you specifically. I don't eve know you. I'm talking about my life. On my 12th birthday at Mary's house in Lexington, I had my first beer. I split most of it out. Her older sister's friend was feeding it to me in his truck, in the driveway. He was 16. Oh, we were listening to Foreigner, and he was putting his fingers down my pants. I was trying to be a grown up girl, drinking a beer. Well, I drank beer for 14 years. you know, every bad thing that has ever happened to me would not have occurred if alcohol was not involved. The last five boyfriends, out of my total ten, would never even have started if I hadn't been drunk as hell when I met him. God, looking back I shake my head. It's surprising isn't it? I never could hold my liquor. Never once in my dri
nking history did I not get fully pissed. Everytime. I have never, ever, been sober after two. Cheap date. The funnest date. The loudest jokes, the potty mouth. Why, I remember this one time standing behind the bar where the bartenders were workin', and because I knew that 2 photographers from National Geographic were sittin' at the bar, I was showing 'em my tricks. "Watch the Canadian girl pick the pimento out of the olive with her tongue." Yeah, always a barrel of laughs. How could I be taken seriously I was drunk! I don't know, I feel kinda weird. I feel kinda stupid. It's weird. I feel kinda stupid. It's weird. I'm not necessarily bitter, but I can't ever drink again, but I feel better, I feel in control, I don't know how I ever drank. I really don't know how I drank all that time. I don't
think that, uh, drinking is for everybody, and I don't think not drinking's for everybody. But I gotta say, sobriety makes hindsight beyond 20/20. And I still think, and will always maintain, alcohol is the root of all evil.