Buffy Musical Episode: I'll Never Tell

ANYA
This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!

But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is
I'll never tell

XANDER
She is the one, she's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight
Embrace! Tight embrace!

I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that
No, I'll never tell

ANYA AND XANDER
'Cause there's nothing to tell

ANYA
He snores

XANDER
She wheezes

ANYA
Say "housework" and he freezes

XANDER
She eats these skeazy cheeses that I can't describe

ANYA
I talk, he breezes

XANDER
She doesn't know what pleases

ANYA
His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!

ANYA AND XANDER
The vibe gets kind of scary

XANDER
Like she thinks I'm ordinary

ANYA
Like it's all just temporary

XANDER
Like her toes are kind of hairy

ANYA AND XANDER
But it's all very well
'Cause, God knows, I'll never tell!

ANYA
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy!
Now look, he's getting huffy
'Cause he knows that I know.

XANDER
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She never ...

ANYA
His eyes are beady!

XANDER
This is my verse, hello!?
She ...

ANYA (Spoken)
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!

ANYA AND XANDER
You know

XANDER
You're quite the charmer

ANYA
My knight in armor

XANDER
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm, yet supple
Tight embrace!

ANYA
He's swell

XANDER
She's sweller

ANYA
He'll always be my feller

XANDER
That's why I'll never tell her
That I'm petrified

ANYA
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
I know there'll come the day
I'll want to run and hide

ANYA AND XANDER
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I can't quell

XANDER
Is she looking for a pot of gold?

ANYA
Will I look good when I've gotten old?

XANDER
Will our lives become too stressful
If I'm never that successful?

ANYA
Will I get so worn and wrinkly
That I look like David Brinkley?

XANDER
Am I crazy?

ANYA
Am I dreamin'?

XANDER
Am I marrying a demon?

ANYA AND XANDER
We can really raise the beam in making marriage a hell

So thank God I'll never tell!
I swear that I'll never tell!

XANDER
My lips are sealed

ANYA
I take the Fifth

XANDER
Nothing to see
Move it along

ANYA AND XANDER
I'll never
Tell!