Buffy The Vampire Slayer: I'll Never Tell

Emma Caulfield & Nicolas Brendon

ANYA:
This is the man that I intend to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!

But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is - -
I'll never tell.

XANDER:
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight - -
Embrace! Tight embrace!

I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that - -
No. I'll never tell.

ANYA AND XANDER:
Cause there's nothing to tell.

ANYA:
He snores

XANDER:
She wheezes

ANYA:
Say "housework" and he freezes

XANDER:
She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe

ANYA:
I talk; he breezes

XANDER:
She doesn't know what "please" is

ANYA:
His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!

ANYA AND XANDER:
The vibe gets kind of scary

XANDER:
Like, she thinks I'm ordinary

ANYA:
Like, it's all just temporary

XANDER:
Like, her toes are kind of hairy

ANYA AND XANDER:
But it's all very well
Cause, God knows, I'll never tell!

ANYA:
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy!
Now look, he's getting huffy
Cause he knows that I know.

XANDER:
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She nev - -

ANYA:
His eyes are beady!

XANDER:
This is my verse, hello?
She - -

ANYA (Spoken):
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!

ANYA AND XANDER:
You know

XANDER:
You're quite the charmer

ANYA
My knight in armor

XANDER:
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm, yet supple - -
Tight embrace!

ANYA:
He's swell

XANDER:
She's sweller

ANYA:
He'll always be my feller

XANDER:
That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified

ANYA:
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
And I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide

ANYA AND XANDER:
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I can't quell

XANDER:
Is she looking for a pot of gold

ANYA:
Will I look good when I've gotten old?

XANDER:
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?

ANYA:
Will I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?

XANDER:
Am I crazy?

ANYA:
Am I dreamin'?

XANDER:
Am I marrying a demon?

ANYA AND XANDER:
We can really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!

So, thank God, I'll never tell!
I swear, that I'll never tell

XANDER:
My lips are sealed

ANYA:
I take the Fifth

XANDER:
Nothing to see
Move it along

ANYA AND XANDER:
I'll never
Tell!