Denis Leary: President Leary

So, now you know why I can't be the president of the United States because... I would snap like this eighteen times a day. Right from the first get-go in the morning. "Mr. President..." "WHAT?! Get Air Force One, I wanna blow some shit up. And get Harrison Ford, put him on the plane. I'm gonna beat him up, I'm pissed off at him." When I'm president, boy things are gonna change. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, things are gonna change when I'm the president of the United States. Yep. My domestic policy? Fuck you. My foreign policy? FUUUUCK YOU!

I'll tell you somethin' else: when I'm president of the United States, all you assholes who ride bikes in the city, LOCK AND LOAD, okay? You're goin' down. Yeah, what the FUCK are you people thinkin' about, huh? You wanna ride a bike in the city, move to China. Go ahead. Eat some rice for the rest of your life. Are you fucking insane ridin' a bike around in the middle of Manhattan traffic, huh? There's no speed limit in New York, have you noticed that? Have you ever seen a speed limit sign in Manhattan? No, they don't exist! Red lights here mean "Stop if you want to." Last guy who got speeding ticket in Manhattan was the guy who crashed his plane into the Empire State Building back in 1937; wake the fuck up and smell the maple nut crunch!

They drive me fucking NUTS! Have you ever had that experience, where you're getting out of the cab, you open the door, and a bike guy smashes into the car door? And then he gets an attitude? "Hey man, that's my space!" "No it isn't, that's the space for the fucking door to open, asshole!" They got their little spandex pants on, their little gloves, and they're ridin' around. "I have the right to ride my bike right in the middle of traffic. I have my little whistle, TWEET TWEET..." "I have a horn, HONK HONK, you're dead!" And you roller bladin' assholes, lock and load. Lock and load. With your pink spandex, and your headphones on, dancing, doing the hustle in the middle of traffic... Make up your mind, dance or drive, okay asshole? Just make up a decision. Fuck... I don't get it, you know? Why don't you just put on clown pants and ride a unicycle down Fifth Avenue-- "Hey, look at me!" Parasail down Broadway, "Look at me! I have the right to do this!" "No you don't! SNIP, SNIP! Happy now?"

Have you seen the cops who have to ride the bikes? Oh, aren't they the saddest lookin' motherfuckers? Oh, man. Oh, there's not one happy one in the whole city. They're totally bummed out. You know they come from families full of cops, right? Their dad was a cop, their grandfather was a cop, they dreamed of being a cop their whole life. They go through the academy, they wait until graduation day to get all that stuff, graduation day comes, "Hey, here's badge, a bike, and a pair of shorts, now stop crime, go ahead. You want more stuff, here's some white socks and flip-flops, go ahead. Stop crying. You want a siren, make one with your mouth, go ahead." "Ooh, man, this sucks. Ooh... I'm not stoppin' any crimes. I don't care if someone gets killed right in front of me, I'm not stoppin' 'em. I'm just gonna ride my bike for eight hours, then go home. I'm not gonna meet any chicks this way... Oh..." I'm waitin' to get stopped by one of those guys in my truck, cause I'm not stopping. Pulls up next to me, "Pull over." Errrr! "You're not a cop, you're a bike asshole! (CRASH) Fucking Leary, I hate you..."

"Bike asshole"... I'm a bike cop. That makes me laugh.

Another thing when I'm president, by the way: you wanna join the military, any branch, Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, once you join you can fuck who-EVER you want. Other soldiers, superior officers, I don't give a flying fuck! Fuck your brains out! Go ahead! You have my permission. As long as you wanna kill the enemy, you can have sex with anything you want. "I like to fuck other guys." "Here's another guy and a gun, go, go!" "I like to fuck sheep." "Here's a sheep and a humvee, go!" "I like to fuck watermelons." "Here's a watermelon and a gun, go, go, go!" Fuck 'em, kill 'em, and eat 'em boys, go ahead!

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"A-ha! That's fucking-- (tape rewinds) Cause I'm not missing much if the MTV awards show's any invitation."
"Meaning?"