Hot Soda Apparatus: The Proposal

Hi, Internet. It's me.

Listen, I've been thinking a lot lately. We've known each other for a long time. I'll never forget the first time we met. I saw you from afar and I told myself at that very moment you were the one for me.

I've really enjoyed getting to know you, and I love it every time I learn something else about you. Every time I think about you, I can't help but smile. We've made such great memories together.

I remember the hampster dance you showed me. And All Your Base. And the Star Wars Kid. We laughed and laughed until the wee hours of the morning. I remember staying up late and talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. And over the years, I've watched you achieve those dreams.

You've become quite the entrepeneur. You sell just about everything under the sun, plus some stuff that will never see the light of day. You conduct business 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and you're making more money now than anyone ever thought possible.

My point is, I love you. Being with you brings out the best in me, and I don't think I could imagine living another second without you. I've never felt this way about anyone but you. When I'm away from you and something happens to me, I can't wait to come back to you and tell you all about it. And even though you're very busy all the time, you always make time for me, and I love that about you.

World Wide Web, would you do me the honor of being my wife?
----


What? What do you mean other guys? Plural? How many? Billions?! I feel so nauseous. Why didn't you tell me about these billions of other guys? I thought we had something special here. Peanut Butter Jelly Time? O RLY? Bananaphone? Chocolate Rain? This all meant nothing to you?

I thought I loved you. I guess I was wrong. I don't love learning new things about you. The more I learn about you the more broken I feel inside.

No, listen to me. I put up with all kinds of crap from you. Intolerable offenses. Unspeakable violations of our trust. MySpace? Phishing? LOLcats? Goatse? Two girls and a cup? But I forgave you. I thought we had a future together.

Did you show all this to those billions of other guys? And *Girls*?! Well, that's kinda hot.

No, no. I feel so stupid. How could I have let myself fall for you? I finally let my guard down after all these years, and this is what happens. Perfect. No, it's too late. It's over. I never want to see you again as long as I live.

No, don't bother calling. Or emailing. You're dead to me. Email is dead to me. It's too late. Nothing you can say will change my mind.

Really? Al Gore singing "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"? Well, I guess I could stay online a bit longer.