Tim Minchin: Some People Have It Worse Than Me

Well I wake up in the morning at 11:47
and I can't believe I have to face
the horror of another fucking day

And the magnificent magnitude of my morning erection
merely mocks me like the sun in its
optimistic greeting of the day

Managing to manifest a modicum of motivation
I meander to the kitchen,
make a mission out of mixing Nescafe

But the milk is going off
and coffee by itself is bitter
and there's ants all through the sugar
and the supermarket's miles a-fucking-way

My life is pretty sad
But I know that I should be glad.
I could be a starving Ethiope
Or a policeman in Bagdad

At 11:53 I instigate the day's ablutions
in the hope my constitution can be altered
by some action on the bowl

But the total nonexistence of colonic animation
seems to me the perfect metaphor
for the utter constipation of my soul

By 11:59 I have decided that my life
would be immediately improved
by a carefully written list of short-term goals

But by 12.05 my list consists of
one dot put some pants on
two dot go to the shop
buy some prunes and Panadol

My life is pretty shit
But I know I shouldnt whinge about it
I could be a Palestinian
Driving buses on the Gaza strip

Yeah, how bad can it be?
Some people have it worse than me
I could be a child prostitute
Or Gary Glitter's family

I have no right to cry
Some people have it worse than I
I could be a thalidomide kid
With something in my eye
Something in my eye!

At 12:30 I realise Im feeling so dejected
that Ive totally neglected
the beginning of the Jerry Springer show

So I settle on the sofa
try to focus an iota of my motor-neurones
on the brilliant insights
for which Jerry is known

And although on any other day
a show entitled "Midgets Midget Midgets"
would excite me like a virgin
at her year eleven ball

Today those little jelly-wresting fellas
fail to free me of my misery,
instead they simply serve
to make me feel three foot tall

But how bad can it be?
Some people have it worse than me
I could be a junior lifesaver
on a Bande Arche beach

Or I could be a Collingwood fan
Or an orphan in Pakistan
Or the architect of the World Trade Centre
Or a bobcat driver in Bam Iran

I could be making an investigation
Of a backpack in an underground station
I could be a peace-loving speech-writer
In George W.'s administration

Yeah I know that I don't have the right
To be unhappy with my life
I could be Paul Pops mother
Or Shane Warnes wife

And I know that I shouldnt be bitchin'
I could be in a worse position
I could be a 3-nippled naturopath
In the days of the Spanish
and the Spanish inquisition

I know I have no right to cry
Some people have it worse than I
I could have a serious nut allergy
And be shipwrecked on an island with a crate of Snickers bars
A jar of Nutella and a fresh baked pecan pie
Some people have it worse than I