Dubstar: Unchained Monologue

"I love you" means "do what I want you to"
"I promise" means I'll tell you what you want to hear
"Believe me" means I'm trying very hard to deceive you
"The rest of my life" means "for the forseeable future"
"We'll always be together" means we're too scared to split up
"I want us to live together" means I think this is what you want, though I don't, but we'll probably split up soon anyway
"I didn't stop thinking about you" means I thought about you once on the way home from a great night out without you
"It doesn't suit you" means I'm too polite to tell you that your legs are like corned beef
"I'm not pissed" means I'm so pissed I reckon I can convince you that I haven't had a bottle of Jim Bean with my flatmate
"I didn't look at anyone else" means I went out with the girls, got so drunk, snogged every man I spoke to, and I'm feeling really guilty
"I want to have your children" means I'm pissed
"It happened a while ago" means I haven't stopped thinking about it since
"What are you thinking?" means I daren't voice my feelings until I know exactly how you feel about me
"You don't understand me" means I've been lying to you from the very start
"I like you a lot" means I'm trying to persuade myself that I do
"I need some time to myself" means a night in with your best friend

Don't worry, the voice in the background is only the TV

"Just friends" means I've slept with him once and I fully intend to do it again
"Don't you trust me?" means if you believe the crap I've just told you...
"My ex" means my greatest regret
"I don't fancy anyone else" is a lie
"I'm so confused" means I know what I want and it's not you
"This isn't working out" means I've no intention of making sure it does
"We've nothing in common any more" means we never did but it seemed like it after a few pints
"You still have a special place in my heart" means I've met someone else
"Can we still be friends?" means I know I've just broken your heart
"I don't believe in love" means I've been hurt and I'm too scared to get involved again
"I don't want a serious relationship" means sex and no consequences
"There's no-one else" means there's no-one else right now
"I'm not trying anything on" means I know you don't want to but I reckon if I keep trying you'll give in
"He doesn't understand me" means I'm feeling unloved
"I'd like to take you out some time" means this is my last desperate attempt to pull tonight
"You're not my type" means you make my skin crawl
"All men are useless" means I've been hurt, again.