Stephen Lynch: Superhero (Live)

If I could be a Superhero,
I would be Awesome Man.
I'd fly around the world fighting crime
According to my Awesome Plan.
And if I saw criminals trying to lie
Hurting other people and making them cry
I'd haul them off to jail in my Awesome Van.
Because I would be Awesome Man.

(Now some criminals want you to be a criminal, and they offer you things like drugs and alcohol, but we know what to do kids, we just say no.)

If I could be a Superhero,
I would be Drug-Free Boy.
Telling the world of the evils of drugs,
and the lives that they destroy.
And all of the junkies getting so high
With their needles and bongs and sticks made of thai
I'd burn them alive and I would squeal with joy.
Cause I would be Drug-Free Boy.

If I could be a Superhero,
I'd be Immigration Dude
I'd send all the foreigners back to their homes
For eating up all of our food
For taking our welfare and best jobs to boot
Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit
I'd pass lots of laws to get rid of their brood
Because I would be Immigration Dude.

(Kids, you can make up your own superhero. If you could, who would you be?)

If you could be a Superhero,
Would you be Justice Guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve,
Especially women who lie
Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job
To run off to f---ing Hawaii with some doctor named Bob
You could skin them and drain them of blood til they die
Especially Bob
Then you would be Justice Guy

Or you could be subtle, I didn't mean to be vague
Give her Mad Cow disease & let him die of the plague
As long as they suffer for their terrible lie
Especially Bob
Then you would be Justice Guy.
Then you would be a Superhero, like me.