Elvis Costello: This Offer Is Unrepeatable

DON'T SEND ANY MONEY!
Fate has no price
Ignore at your peril this splendid advice
An invaluable link in an infinite chain
An offer like this will just not come again
You wish you had women to charm and bewitch
Power of life and death over the rich young girls will
be swooning
Because you're exciting them
And not only fall at your feet but be biting them

Guaranteed, guaranteed to capture your breath
Or just possibly scare you to death

Sign it and seal it and send it to friends
But don't mention my name
Don't make any long term plans

In thirty-six hours your fortunes will change
Your best friends won't know you
And neither will strangers
Do not keep this letter
It must leave your hand
You have been selected from over five thousand

A twister or dupe will bamboozle or hoodwink you
I can't say more it would only confuse you
The wine that they offer will go to your head
And you'll start to see double in fishes and bread

Guaranteed, guaranteed for a lifetime or more
Guaranteed, for this world and the next
Guaranteed, guaranteed for the world and its mother
Cherish this life as you don't get another one

UNLESS you should take up this fabulous offer
Don't leave it too late or you'll be bound to suffer
And woebetide anyone so woebegone
You won't know you're born or about to pass on

You'll never get tired
You'll never get bored
By the way I just hope you're insured

And if you're not satisfied
If you want more
We can always provide an improved overture
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Your trouble will vanish
Your tears will dry
Your blessing will just multiply
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Guaranteed, guaranteed to bring fortune and favor
In a riot of colours, (a variety of) and flavours
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Would I lie to you? Would I sell you a dud?
Just sign on the line. Could you possibly write it in
blood?