Guido Hatzis: The Queen

[Phone rings]

Man: Hello, Palace.

Guido: G'day mate, my name is Guido Hatzis, right,

M: Yes?

G: and I read in the paper today that the queen is coming to
Australia next year.

M: Yes Yes, where are you calling from?

G: Mate I call from Australia. Now I'm prepared to let the
old lady stay at my place, alright?

M: Err, who is this?

G: Mate it's Guido Hatzis, alright?

M: Ahh, where are you from?

G: Mate I told you before alright you deaf pommy poof, alright,
I'm from Australia, alright?

M: I beg your pardon? you can't-

G: Nah, nah mate listen to me, listen to me, alright?

M: You can't speak to me like that!

G: Nah I will speak to you like that, alright? I'm ringing to
tell you that the Queen can stay at my place but only on the
couch mate, alright?

M: Err, I'm fine? Look?

G: Nah, nah mate, are you a beefeater, is that what you are?

M: I beg your pardon?

G: Mate are you a beefeater? 'Cos I tell ya, the next thing you'll
eat mate is a knuckle sandwich from me, right?

M: Look, if you have any specific comments, I can write them in
the book and pass them on.

G: Nah, nah, mate, write in the book alright, write it right now,
You are a dick-head Pommy poof, alright, can you spell that?

M: I'm Sorry.

G: Nah, nah, mate I am sorry that I speak to you, you're the
dickhead mate, you need to get me the Queen on the phone now,
alright?

M: I'm sorry?

G: Yeah, you say sorry alot mate, I'd be sorry if I had a head
like you mate, alright?

M: Listen, if you have any specific enquiries about the Royal Family-

G: Nah, nah, mate, I'll start again, alright, cause you're a stupid
pommy poofter alright, so what we do, right, the Queen, she come
and stay at my place, alright, two days a week she work at my
Nanna's fish and chip shop, alright?

M: (mumbling) Ridiculous.

G: Nah, mate, ridiculous? It will be, she will get the sack if she
steal any pickled onions alright?

M: I don't believe this!

G: Nah, nah mate, I am tired of speaking to you, I will go now, alright?

M: Look, if you have any specific enquiries about the royal family,
you can leave them here, with, and I will write them in the book
and pass them on.

G: Mate, alright, you write 'em in the book, alright, why are they a
bunch of skippy poofs?

Question mark, Guido Hatzis, goodbye.

[Guido hangs up]