Allan Sherman: Good Advice

I know a man named Otis, who invented a room
And his heart was filled with pride
I said to Mr. Otis, "What does your room do?"
He said, "It goes from side to side"
So I said, "Mr. Otis, if you take my advice
You'll be the richest man in town
You gotta take that room that goes from side to side
And make it go up and down"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
I sincerely doubt, that the world could do without my good advice
Sir Isaac Newton came around to my house one day
His face was all sunburned and red
He said he didn't want to sleep in the shade of a tree
Because an apple might fall on his head
I said, "Sir Isaac, you dumbbell, take my advice
Go right back there and sleep beneath that tree
And if you let that rotten apple fall down on your head
Why you'll discover gravity"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
The world's a better place, since I gave the human race my good advice
A man named Mr. Waterman, invented a tube
He was sad because it sprung a little leak
He said, "Darn it, when I hold my tube on a piece of paper
The ink leaks out and makes a little streak"
He said, "I've gotta find a way to stop that leak
I'll start working on my leak proof tube again"
I said, "Waterman, you idiot, don't stop that leak
You just invented a fountain pen"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
I'm so worldly wise, I should get the Nobel Prize for good advice
Good old Henry Ford, he was a hardworking man
He worked all night and all day
I said, "Henry, watcha doin'?"
And Henry, he said, "I'm inventing the Chevrolet"
He said, "I've already built twenty-five models
One for each letter from A to Z"
I said, "Henry, you fool, there are twenty-six letters in the alphabet
He said, "Good heavens, I forgot the Model T"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
It's fruitful as can be and it's absolutely free, my good advice
Wilbur and Orville were two brothers, named Wright
The nicest pair of kids you've ever seen
They worked twelve years on a secret project
They thought it was a washing machine
I said, "Fellas, what are all those wings for?"
They said, "For hanging clothes out to dry"
I said, "You fools, take that washing machine out to Kitty Hawk
And see if the darn thing'll fly"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
I'm so smart that I'm gonna win a Guggenheim for good advice
One more time
Benjamin Franklin was a charming old man
He was always flying his kite
One night I said, "Benjy, why ain't you out with your kite?"
He said, "Because it's raining tonight"
I said, "Benjy, sweety, you go right back out there
And to your kite string, tie a key
This may shock you, Benjy, my boy
But that's electricity"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
I'll re model you, if you'll only listen to my good advice
Ooga Magoog was a Neanderthal man
A very poorly educated soul
He had a great big square thing made of solid stone
And in the middle of it was a hole
One day he had to go from his cave in Natchez
To his uncle's cave in Mobile
I said, "Round off those corners
And buy a set of tires
And Ooky baby, that's a wheel"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
Harvard offered me a Phi Beta Kappa key for good advice
Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house
He was a very nosy fellow, so it seems he had no chairs
So he made all his friends stand around all day
And tell him, all their secrets and their dreams
Well, while they stood there talking 'till they got fallen arches
They yelled, "My feet are killing me, ouch"
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realize, you've got a gold mine here
Go out and buy yourself a leather couch"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
Every word you're told will be eighteen karat gold, that's good advice
Alexander Graham Bell was building a fence
With some wood and a long piece of wire
He said, "There's something strange going on around here
I keep hearing the voice of Uncle Myer"
I said, "Mr. Graham Cracker", that was my little joke
"With that wire you got the world in your palm
Just get a mouthpiece and an earpiece and a piece in between
And you'll sponsor The Telephone Hour"
And that was good advice, good advice
Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
Every word ya hear, is the message of the year, it's good advice
Christopher Columbus was a seaman second class
When I told him that the Indies could be found
By sailing to the West instead of sailing to the East
I advised him that I thought the world was round, I really thought so
And then I sent him down to ask good Queen Isabella
To pawn her jewels for all their worth
Next day he set sail and as everyone knows
He fell off the edge of the Earth
And that was bad advice, bad advice
Bad advice is just the same as good advice
Everybody makes occasional mistakes and that was bad advice