Stephen Lynch: Whittlin' Man

In the woods of Northern Michigan he made his home.
Didn't ask much from the world, just wanted to be alone.
And got his first real blade at thirteen—thats when it all began.
And soon the creatures of the forest called him "Whittlin' Man".

Yeah, he whittled all day and he whittled all night,
He whittled, whittled, whittled everything in sight,
He whittled on a stick, and he whittled on his shoe,
And if you come too close, he gonna whittle you too!

Keep a safe distance if you can,
'Cause you're never safe around Whittlin' Man!

Had a stump to sit on, had some wood, had his trusty knife.
Whittled out a house, a car, and he whittled himself a wife. (Such a beautiful wife!)
Whittled out four kids, a swimming pool, and a big LearJet,
And so he wouldn't miss ''Saved By the Bell'', well, he whittled a TV set.

Yeah, he whittle if it's light, and he whittle if it's dark,
And if Noah was around, well he'd whittle him an ark.
He'd whittle somethin' new, and he'd whittle somethin' old,
Whittle somethin' hot, and he'd whittle somethin' rather chilly.

Keep a safe distance if you can,
'Cause you're never safe around Whittlin' Man!

Break it down.

Some say Whittlin' Man's a genius, still others say he's just dumb.
He whittled off a foot, an ear, three fingers, and his left thumb.
Boy, is he dumb!
That won't stop him, no it won't!
He'll whittle through thick and thin.
Once he's whittled everything,
He'll just whittle it all again!

Yeah, he whittle if it's white, and he whittle if it's black,
And he whittle on a duck till the duck can't quack.
He whittle if it's dry, and he whittle if it's juicy,
Whittle on Desi and he whittle on Lucy.
Whittle JFK and he whittle Jackie O,
Whittled on Larry and Curly and Moe,
And he whittle Frank Zappa and he whittle Tipper Gore,
Whittle, whittle, whittle, till he can't no more.
Whittle Shamu and he whittle on Jaws!
Whittle Easter Bunny and he whittle Santa Claus!
And he whittle, whittle, whittle, just as fast as he can
Whittle till he's dead, he's... Whittlin' Man!