Stephen Sondheim: Getting Married Today

JENNY: Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.

PAUL: Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy,
My, happily, soon-to-be wife.

AMY: Pardon me, is everybody here?
Because if everybody's here,
I'd like to thank you all
For coming to the wedding.
I'd appreciate you going even more,
I mean, you must have lots of better things to do,
And not a word of it to Paul
Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry
But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anything
As wonderful as he is.
Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all, now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

JENNY: Bless this day,
Tragedy of life
Husband bound to wife
The heart leaps up
And feels dead
This dreadful day.

AMY: Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever,
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of,
Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize
He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should.
Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married
Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand, but I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

Go! Can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye! Go and cry
At another person's wake.
If you're quick, for a kick
You could pick up a christening
But please, on my knees,
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?
It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life
You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage.
I'm not well, so I'm not getting married
You've been swell, but I'm not getting married
Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all, but I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

JENNY: Bless this bride,
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.

PAUL: Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever

AMY: Go! Can't you go?
Look, you know I adore you all
But why watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps I'll collapse
In the apse right before you all
So take back the cake
Burn the shoes, and boil the rice.

PAUL: Today is for Amy,
My, happily, soon-to-be wife
My adorable wife...

AMY: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you,
But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint
So if you want to watch me faint, I'll do it happily,
But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?
So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates,
Thirty-seven butter knives,
Forty-seven paperweights,
Fifty-seven candle holders

PAUL: One more thing...

AMY: I'm not getting married.

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Softly said...

AMY: But I'm not getting married.

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: With this ring...

AMY: See, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: I thee wed.

AMY: Still, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Let us pray that we are getting married

AMY: Let us pray that we're not getting married

ALL: Today!