Ugly Americans: Orlando

I was sitting naked in a holiday inn down in Orlando
And it was the morning of the last day of the year
I didn't know who I was and I thought I might've been Evan Dando
But if I was him than what the hell was I doing here
So I asked myself one simple question
What would I do with the rest of my life
If I knew I couldn't fail I guess I'd get the hell
Out of Orlando and find me a rich and beautiful wife

Cause I don't want to do a damn thing
And I want to be appreciated
And I want to get paid well
And I don't want to be hated
I don't want to do a damn thing except lie in the sun
And be loved loved loved loved loved by everyone

So I called up the front desk to see if I could rent a porno
They said you better have a credit card I said honey I'm pretty hard up
But I ain't got no visa I said honey could you please uh help me
She said she was sorry but I think she was just disgusted
And I was kinda disgusted myself cause it had all come down to this
And I felt like a pervert but goddamn it gets lonely
When you're sitting in your hotel room naked as a jaybird
Down in Orlando in the middle of the night

So I called up an old friend to see how he was doing
But he sounded like a robot and it was like I barely knew him
So I said I had to go then I couldn't take it any longer
You know the desire to throw my naked body out the fifth floor of the Holiday Inn kept getting stronger
I tried to take a cold shower but I couldn't get my nerve up
I just sat in that hotel room and tried to cut my own hair
That was the worst idea that I had all day
But goddamn it gets lonely down in f.l.o.r.i.d.a.

Then I thought to myself just what the hell was a jaybird
And just what the hell does it look like and what the hell am I doing
So I tried to write a song about it but this is all I got
You know I sang it for your girlfriend and she said she liked it a lot
Except the part about killing myself and the part about trying to find a rich wife
She said you should have gone to sea world you might have had a better time
I said honey thanks for the input thanks for the advice
But I think that the only way I'm ever going back to Orlando is if I live life twice

Cause I don't want to do a damn thing
And I want to be appreciated
And I want to get paid well
And I don't want to be hated
I don't want to do a damn thing except lie in the sun
And be loved loved loved loved loved by everyone